I brought with me my diary which I used to keep when I was in first year high school when I came to Singapore, thinking if I have time I will encode everything I wrote on my diary. It was my attempt to check how was I back then, and to preserve my day dreamer, idealistic beyond measure imaginative self. Before when I was transitioning from a child to puberty I was a bit isolated when I was in the house because we do not have plenty of playmates in the neighborhood to play with plus the fact that my parents do not allow us to go out and mingle with other children in our neighborhood; and every time I have some heart aches or if I want to do something to entertain myself I write and create a dreamworld far harmonious with my desires; or sometimes if there is a presence of a very strong emotion I channel it to my diary...I scribble words until the pain goes away...
This very first literature I wrote, I am not certain if this is a poem or a narration or just the way I want it to be; this baptized my diary; this work was inspired when I was scolded by my mother for wanting to go out with friends, I was making my way to puberty and curiosity begins and the real parenting starts on their end... I was so angry at her that I exhausted it to this work....but along the way I added up my own spices to complete it and give it a touch of my imagination... The whole I hate my mom part that was there was my present during that time but the realization was all future tense at that moment, words written to balance my emotion and soothe me when I was writing it... Its only by now 2011 that I saw the impact of this specific work, when I tried to check on what was written on this diary of mine, when I was reading it and counter checking my reality, my present;when I saw the change in me and who helped me out of it and what was my journey like all these years; I was surprised that this work made sense to me now...just now...the realizing part that what was written seemed to exist to my recent encounters and to my now, turns out to be TRULY MAGICAL FOR ME,because only one author is capable of bringing the STORY INTO LIFE, the GREATEST AUTHOR OF ALL TIME, once HE PUTS HIS OWN VERSION OF SPEED-BALL PEN AND HIS POWERFUL INK then the scribbles will eventually be moving and inspiring... this was very overwhelming for me that I feel I need to share it and post it on my blog...My hands right now cannot even follow the handwriting I used to have before 11 years ago...
Come and take a look and read...what an awesome realization I had, and the boy on this story, poem or whatever this is, existed...minus the fact he whispered and blah blah blah in which of course just adds drama and moments on the story...but he did exist and I hope and pray he continues to exist....He did bring change in my life and he clothe me with goodness, and the funny thing was, in which some skeptics would tag as pure coincidence but most believers would name it serendipity, most of the symbolism, metaphor or objects used are all associated with water, that made me soooo laugh indeed... this was way way way long ago before I met him that this work was written...I made mention of river, fish, ocean, dive and the like....but this is my blogsite... this is my story, I will believe what I want to believe with His blessings...
(the beauty of this work is the innocence of the use of words, it was all from the fabric of my imagination, I have not gone through much when I was writing the story. The simple usage of terms, the childish notion are even evident but the work seemed refreshing, rejuvenating and keeps you on track with your youth)
Hell in My Mundane: Heaven in My heart
I was nurtured and raised by evil
The woman who had brought me up
She wrapped my heart with badness
She kept the goodness in the deepest oceans
As leaves fall I became a monster all my life
I never had known light nor the sun
I never had known the world but myself alone
As I face the Mirror I was horrified not because I saw my reflection
But because I no longer recognize myself
I asked the woman WHY?
Why she had kept me and turned me away from the world
Yet she remained quiet and still
I had to go out and search the answers by myself
I was released from the dungeons of hell
I was out from the raging fire
I had abandoned darkness
A new world I stepped in
Don’t know if I can see home around its terrestrials
I learned to smile but I can’t totally fade away the scar of the past
The painful wound it had given me
The mark carved on my personality
People treated me as a complete stranger
No one welcomed me
No one had seen my struggle
No one had seen my desire
No one tried to see that I am not the way I used to be
No one had ever appreciate me
I never wished to clothe myself with darkness nor badness
I was confused if I am to blame and hate the woman
I wish I did not step in the world I used to live before
Nor I wish I never had been in the world I am into now
I wish to cry but I cannot tears dried up because of pain
I was sad but no one to lean on
But if I were with the woman somehow she will accompany me and will never leave me
So I decided to go back maybe she might be right
The world out here is harsh that kills me unknowingly
I realized I do not need freedom I need presence of someone
I felt it by the woman’s lap
Along the way I met someone he had persevered to know the real me
He had dig my heart and saved me from erosion
He poured me with water
He dived the deepest ocean and relieved myself from the ocean of life
He returned the lost sheep and gave back my heart
He killed the monster in me He showed me kindness
He taught me goodness
Yet I needed to leave and search for the woman
I’m afraid to take him with me
He might know where I used to belong
He might see the world I used to live before
He whispered in my ears; it caresses my earlobes and tickled my heart
His words were sweet and go like this
I’ll never forget, wherever you may be my heart will always be with you
I’ve never seen someone so much like you
You’re the rarest fish I’ve ever seen in the river of love
I was astonished, before those words exist in the woman’s lips
I was ashamed of myself
I need to tell him
So I did
He smiled at me with his pretty face
I was stunned of his expression, “Go on, I’ll be here by your side.”
With tears I walked away with happiness and full of love
As I walk along the alleys of darkness I saw hatred, revenge, I see anger in my heart
Yet I cannot help it; I hurried and embraced her; she spoke words, I see answers in her mouth
So I close my eyes as she whispers and listen intently to the woman’s words
My child for you to see the real happiness; you need to lose politeness;
Need not to show yourself to others
Let others know the real you
Let not your heart be terrified
Knowing people do not recognize you
For they are ignorant and blind
People who see are people who are willing to give the earth in your hand
And I told her I almost did
As I turned back the whole place changed, revealing a luxurious paradise
I saw the guy who cradled me with love upon the carpet of flowers
Before I knew it I was clothe with goodness
Upon that day I smiled as if forever
I heard gravel upon my heart because of guilt
I should not have judged the woman that way
What she wants is my happiness and she wanted me to be safe
She only protected me
All she wanted is for me to fall into the right hands
It was not black magic or witchcraft she bestowed on me
It was love and care
She did not wrap me with evil but instead with learning
She did not imprison me but set me free to know myself but away from criticism
Yet I was so narrow
Did not understand her
I needed to grow up to do so
I bet it is part of life like seasons change over time
Now I live with happiness around me
With the Woman and the guy
The people who are glad to see me smile
The woman was my mother
And the Guy was my ______________.
